Saturday, July 24, 2010

dear you,

i've been thinking, and its not like we love each other less. it's more a different kind of love.
the novelty of a new relationship wore off, but then, the novelty of a long relationship wore off. i mean, it's great getting to a year anniversary, feels like a milestone, but then what do you look forward to next? two years dosn't seem important.

so we don't meet up at 7am anymore, we don't need to.
and so we argue, i'd have never felt comfortable enough to do that with you before.

i don't know.

i can't tell if its a good or bad thing. it's not like we are just ho-humming with existance, it's not boring being with you. it's just more comfortable, slower.

love, grace

Thursday, July 22, 2010

dear you,

i think the trip was good for us. usually when we spend a lot of time together, alot of that time is spent just rolling around kissing and what not, we clearly couldnt do this here, we just talked. and we didnt fall out, or get narky or anything, it was just nice.

you really are quite beautiful.

i liked when we were driving home on the coach, on that 7 hour journy, and you were sat infrount of me, and put your hand back, and held mine. you didnt need to, and i know you dont much like hand holding, and it was really nice. thankyou.

love, grace.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

dear you,

the last few days have been good. like really good.
i dont think i can stop myself loving you, and i can't make you love me, but i do know that you want this to work, and you want to be with me, and for now, thats enough.

i love us best when we are silly and just mess around like kids together. we should be like that more often. thankyou for staying at afterschool art with me, and thankyou for dancing to vampire weekend with me, and thankyou for gently washing the clay off my shoulders.

we're going to france on monday, with school, and i think this will either make us stronger, or completly break us down. but i'm fairly sure it will be the former. hell, we fell for each other on the first france trip.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

dear you,

sorry if i've been angry with you lately. i know you think it will all be fine, and are doing anything you can, to make it fine again. but i also know, that deep down, i kind of resent you for not loving me. but you cant really help it can you i guess.

today was better, more normal. but it still hurts quite a bit, so i'm trying to be a bit less in love with you. not like i'm ignoring you, i'm more trying to see life without you as such a focal point. instead of my universe revolving around you, i'm trying to see you as more of a planet in that solar system, still big and important, but not so much that the rest of my life crashes when you do. i think its healthier.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

dear you,
ok, so my new problem is, you say you will try harder.
i should be pleased, i should think, oh yay, he wants to have a shot at making this all better.
but instead i'm thinking this. you are forcing yourself to love me. you dont want to. when you say you will call, you wont actually want to talk to me. you will just do it because you feel you have to.
this is not going to make you fall madly in love with me. nothing can anymore can it?
all it will do, if anything, is make me fall further and further in love with you. great.
so when you eventually realise, that you just cant be bothered with the hassle of me right now, and we break up, it will be a thousand times worse.
so great. thanks.

and i know, i know you dont want to call.
because to quote you 'if i wanted to call, then i would'.
and yet, even when you promise to. you never do.
even when you know i feel down.
even when you know my friends are all out without me.
even when you know i've just had an argument with my family.
you'd still rather play on the xbox.

and thats why i hate you.
i just wish you could be bothered to even feel anything for me.


Monday, July 12, 2010

dear you,
basicly, i still love you. so so much, i think about you more than i possibly should, and i really truly wish we could be together forever. i'd like to spend all my time with you.
it hurts so much that you dont still feel this way about me. you say you still love me, but i guess its like that naff saying, 'i love you, but i'm not in love with you'. i know i love you more, and you know it too.
you dont miss me when i'm not there, but i still miss you. instead of thinking of me, you think of something else.
i know im distant sometimes, but you have no idea how much it hurts me to know this, i dont always want to kiss you, because i know that the more we do, the more in love i will fall, and the more it will hurt when this collapses. i nearly cried when you spoke to me today. i'd rather be apart, and single, than be with you when you make me feel like this.
today, when you told me that sometimes, you dont love or hate me, you are just indifferent, it killed me. at least hatred is some feeling, some kind of passion. you just dont actually care about me. and you have no idea how much that kills me everyday.
because i still love you. but i honestly wish i didnt.

love, grace.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

so, i've recently read this book called 'the catcher in the rye'.
you might have heard of it, its the most banned book apparently, or something like that.

to be honest, it didn't offend, or shock me. god, it just unnerved me.

this character, he hates fakeness, and 'phonies'. and i get his point, who actually says what they want to, not what they should. who dresses exactly how they'd like to, not how the rest of the world would like them to. who honestly acts, exactly like they feel?

and yet, we are the sane ones in this novel.

its the rest of the world that see's him as crazy.

but he is the only one who truly accepts himself.

jeez, it just gets me.

Friday, July 2, 2010

my bedside shelf;

the purple book, and the book with the flowery spine, are diaries, one past and one present. i keep them both there, one to write in most nights, and one to just kind of look at sometimes, remember things. i'm a terrible diary keeper, if i don't like something that happened, i generally don't include it in the diary, and yet, when i read back, i remember it anyway, because the absence of it is even more painfull and glaring than if i had just written it there myself. and yet, i continue, i like writing my thoughts down sometimes.

that squat, fat, little book is a dictionary. me and joe once played a game on the phone, where we tried to find the most interesting words. not like, for the meaning, but for the way you say them; whimsical, melencholy, things like that. it's still there, and i know it's not the coolest thing, but hell, it's a good memory, and i like it there.

the book at the base is 'i am the messenger', by marcus zuzak. i only realised that was still there when i took the picture. i read it at christmas time, and really it should have a place on my shelf by now, but it's my favourite book, sometimes i just like to flick through it, and read random chapters or pages. its a great book.

the catcher in the rye. i've litteraly, just started reading it today. we went to a college for a taster day today, and heard about in english. apparently, alot of famous murderers loved that book, but it was just so darn intreuging, and my dad had a copy, so i thought, what the hell, i need to read that thing.

candle holder, i just got for my birthday. ironic really, i dislike fire immensly, so i've never put candles in it, but hey, i like to pretend i'm arty and cool. so i keep it there.

not really sure about this post, but i took the picture, and liked it, so there it is.